Peaks and Valleys

This week has been difficult for me physically and emotionally. Physically I have been in a lot of pain that seems to be getting worse. Therapy was difficult because of my hip and knees and I really didn't feel like I accomplished anything. My hip pain is likely my angry psoas...again. It's a difficult problem to manage (and it's very painful) but at least it's not joint pain. My knee pain is probably due to overcompensating and having a completely improper gait. My right kneecap subluxates when I don't wear the brace but thankfully, no subluxations or dislocations IN the brace. My left knee just hurts. It's getting very frustrating.

Emotionally I am exhausted. I am so overwhelmed and stressed with my compounding issues and I just desperately need a break. There's only so much that one person can handle before they explode. That's what happened this week. PT is a confusing/conflicting place for me. I love it because the people are great and very supportive--in a way an extended family because I have been in therapy (consistently) for 2 years. However, I hate it because it means more pain, frustration, and setbacks. With increased pain this week, came an increase in emotions. I cried more this week (at PT) than I have in a long time. I saw patients who I interacted with regularly (and became friendly with) being discharged and I wanted so badly for that to be me. Don't get me wrong, I am always happy for them when they "graduate", it just makes me think more about my pain, disability, and life. I just want to be able to wake up and go to bed (when I manage to fall asleep) without pain. I am tired.

During one of my breakdowns (and this was a major one at that), Cam left me with some words to think about. He has a way of knowing exactly what to say. He said that after every [mountain] peak is a valley. The peaks are my high points and progress and the valleys are my setbacks, pain and frustrations. So because I am in a valley right now, a peak must be right around the corner.

....But when do the valleys end? Will they ever end? Right now, I just don't know.

On Monday my family is heading to New England for a busy week. Shane moves into college on Tuesday. This is going to be a rough day! He's my best friend and I can't believe I have to spend the next several months at home without him. I am definitely going to miss him. At least I know I will see him every 6-8 weeks (when I have appointments).

On Tuesday and Thursday I have appointments with my surgeons. I will be seeing all of my surgeons for post-ops and evaluations. I will also be seeing a back specialist to discuss my chronic back pain and instability. I am really in need of some answers.